For Now

..while your visage still lurks in my mind, you'll remain my incandescent resolve in every adversity I'll face---the most radiant catalyst that keeps me going.

For now, nothing can cease my mind to go back where this started. For now, no barricades nor screeching halts can bar how everything with you replays in my memory --- how those short-lived moments I put on reruns make me still uptight hitherto. Whenever I return to or accidentally find myself standing at those specific spots where we stood, where we walked, where we talked, or where we laughed, regret plays--- caving in every pore wherever it wants to fit. For now, let me... just let me stay overwhelmed with this harrowing yet addicting grief. Yes, I expect my denouement might plunge six-feet under that pitch-black pit, where strayed feelings populate, where doors are shut, and where I'll lodge for a while before I completely unbuckle these poignancies. I don't care if I'd get hurt hard, because I don't want to lie. I don't want to abate these emotions while they're still burning. For now, it's okay if I'm burning alone, because soon, I hope, I'll consign to oblivion.

For now, it's not crazy to think that you've never told me anything, yet I still admire you. For now, it's not stupid of me to continuously hoping that you might be thinking of me too. For now, it's safe to say I'm still looking for hope that one day you'll look at me the same way how I want you to look at me. At least for now, while you're still out there wishing for someone else, I'll be sitting tight here and wait. For now, it's my fault. It's my fault to keep the ball rolling---to forge ahead until these feelings last. For now, it's alright to keep walking on reverse, going back to when I thought everything was returned for the both of us. For now, even when the last time I looked at you I saw twilight shudders through your eyes striking at me, I still opt to take this trek. For now, while your visage still lurks in my mind, you'll remain my incandescent resolve in every adversity I'll face---the most radiant catalyst that keeps me going.

For now...

Just for now, I'll listen to your lullabies. For now, I'll read between your limericks like they're meant for me. For now, I'll continue to inhale the smoke from the fume of my sighs spawned by my absurdity caused by my fragile desires. For now, I'll continue to question myself why do I rarely fall—and when I do, why do I get excessively protractedly attached. For now, I'll enjoy this one-sided punishment even when I've been on this road quite often. For now, I won't mind, because I don't really have the courage to spell these out--- not because I'm scared, but because I quite know you and everything about you is uninterchangeable; everything that I know about our connection isn't familiar to you.

However, these are just for now, for someday is soon and someday I'll have the audacity to disconnect my natural self from this adaptation of me. Someday is soon, and I'll try to stride one step higher from this melancholic plight. Then, again, for now, I choose to enjoy distress. I'm pretty convinced that this is an unhealthy choice, but a desideratum to my soul.

For now, my mind never ceases to paint every outline of your demeanor. For now, I am patiently waiting to see the edge, the cusp, the end of these feelings. 

For now, let me fool myself. For now, let me still like you.
For now, let it hurt until it's gone. For now, please don't make me rush to avoid this. 
For now, let it linger a little.

For now.

Just for now. 

And soon, it'll be over.

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